That Ain't Witchcraft Read online

  “Angie!” gasped Carl. “She grew up around here, she’d heard rumors, and then that cockatrice got caught down by Cleveland, and we started looking! Mister, I don’t know who you are, and I wouldn’t tell anyone if I did, please, you have to save us, please, we didn’t do anything, we didn’t—”

  “You pulled their fangs,” I said softly and stepped to the side as the wave of immature gorgons descended.

  It didn’t take long for things to be over. Not after that.

  * * *

  • • •

  Ten strange statues and three empty RVs were left to rot in the clearing. Maybe someone would find them and scavenge them for parts before they’d been totally destroyed by the weather. Maybe not. Either way, the gorgons wanted nothing to do with them. Their use had tainted them, and only time would purify that taint.

  I did stop long enough to retrieve my anti-telepathy charm from the bush where it was hanging. Those things are expensive. Then I rejoined the others, as we led the children and carried the unhatched eggs back where they belonged. Home.

  The two children whose fangs had been pulled were among the older abductees. Both of them had lost their baby fangs the year before. The damage, now that it was done, was forever.

  “We don’t need our fangs the way we used to,” said Dee, watching as Frank tried to console the weeping parents. As the community’s doctor, he was the only one who fully understood the medical consequences. “We don’t hunt for our food. We cook it in kitchens like civilized people. Live prey is a treat, and mostly reserved for our snakes.”

  “I hear a ‘but’ there,” I said.

  “But they’ll need to have their venom sacs expressed manually for the rest of their lives if they don’t want them to become engorged and infected. This could make it harder for them to marry outside the colony. Not many people want spouses who can’t defend themselves.” Dee shook her head. “I know, I know, it’s primitive and unfair and unreasonable, but we’re dying out. We can’t afford to take risks with our children.”

  “I know.” Putting human values on cryptids is never fair. They have to live by the rules we set for them, however unintentionally, when we hunted them to the cusp of extinction. “The kidnappers are dead. Any buyers they might have had won’t know where the colony is, because that’s not how you keep your prices up. You can breathe, and shore up your defenses, and take care of your kids.”

  “And for this, we thank you,” said Hannah.

  I stiffened. “Okay, I don’t know how you snuck up on me, but I’m impressed.”

  I turned. The community matriarch was standing behind me, an amused smile on her lips. It softened her. Made her look less terrifying.

  “My apologies,” she said. “I wanted to express my appreciation for your efforts. They won’t be forgotten.”

  “I know.” Shelby and Sarah were a short distance away, Shelby kneeling as she listened to a small child speak at length, Sarah watching. She didn’t seem to have been traumatized by the day’s events, thankfully. I suppose the proof would be in her nightmares, or the lack thereof. “I’m going to take my people and head home, if you don’t mind. It’s been a long day, and it’s going to get dark soon.”

  “Of course,” said Hannah. “And if ever you need anything . . .”

  “We didn’t come here looking for favors,” I said. “We came here because Dee asked, and because we were needed. Just, please, try to remember that we’re not your enemies. All right?”

  Hannah nodded.

  I waved to Dee and started for the car, motioning for Shelby and Sarah to follow. Shelby straightened, chucked the child on the chin, and trotted after me. Sarah came more slowly, but she came; that was really all that mattered.

  “Well,” said Shelby, once she was seated in the front passenger seat, her belt fastened, and her weapons all safely concealed. “That went better than I’d been expecting. No one we cared about died.”

  “Ten humans died,” said Sarah.

  “Ten poachers died,” said Shelby. “Sometimes what you do matters more than who you are. Those people gave up their right to live as soon as they laid hands on a child.”

  “This calls for a celebration,” I said, starting the car. “I’ll drop you off at home and go pick up the makings for a batch of mudslides. I can make yours with ketchup instead of chocolate sauce, Sarah.”

  “Thank you, but Shelby can’t have any,” said Sarah.

  I blinked. “What? Shelby can have whatever she wants.”

  “Oh, damn.” Shelby closed her eyes and leaned her head back until it was resting against the seat. “I didn’t get my telepathy blocker back from Dee, did I?”

  “No, you didn’t,” said Sarah. “I’m sorry.”

  “Try to stay out of my head, will you, sweetheart? I need to talk to Alex when we get home, and I’d rather you didn’t muddy the waters on me.”

  “Sorry,” said Sarah again, meekly.

  “There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

  I squinted at her. “Shelby . . . ?”

  “When we get home, Alex, all right? I just want to wait until we get home.”

  “All right,” I said, and tried to focus on the road. It wasn’t easy. I understand secrets—they’re a necessary part of staying alive—but I don’t like them between members of my family, and Shelby was absolutely a member of my family. We weren’t married yet, but all that was going to do was make it legal. We were family in every way that counts.

  Family. I paused, giving her a sidelong look as certain events of the last few days began taking on a whole new focus. Then I hit the gas a little harder. I wasn’t going to risk a speeding ticket, but I was going to get us home as fast as I could. We needed to talk.

  The driveway was, once again, empty. I said a silent prayer of thanks to whatever was keeping my grandparents out of the house as I pulled in and killed the engine.

  Sarah waited until we were inside before announcing, “I have a headache, and I need to cry. I’ll be in my room. Please don’t knock unless the house is on fire.” Then she climbed the stairs, not looking back.

  Shelby glanced at me, twisting her hands anxiously in front of herself. “So,” she said.

  “So,” I echoed. “Bedroom?”

  “Please.”

  We climbed the stairs together, shrouded in awkward silence. Shelby went in first. I followed, closed the door, and said, in a loud, clear voice, “I will allow one representative of the faith to remain, in silence, to hear what is said. I invoke the Holy Ritual of Mouse, Alice Loves You, But I Will Gladly Ward You From My Sleeping Quarters If You Try Me. Am I heard?”

  “Heard and Obeyed!” squeaked several voices, from several corners of the room. The proclamation was followed by a skittering sound.

  I counted silently to ten before turning my attention to Shelby, who was waiting patiently, if not happily. “Okay,” I said. “How long have you known you were pregnant?”

  Shelby blinked. “I—” she began, and caught herself, shaking her head. “No. I won’t do that. How did you figure it out?”

  “No coffee, no alcohol, you were sick earlier in the week, but I didn’t catch it, which means it was probably hormonal, and the way you shut Sarah down once you realized she’d been reading your mind. How long?”

  “Took the test yesterday; suspected for about a week,” she said. “I was planning to tell you today, since we’re both home, but then, well . . .”

  “Kidnapping took priority,” I said. “I’m kind of glad I didn’t know. I’m not sure I would have been quite so happy to have you around that many gorgons if I’d known that you were, well . . .”

  I trailed off as Shelby glared at me.

  “Alexander Healy, if you think for one second that my being pregnant means I’m going to let you bench me—” she began.

  “Are you kidding?” I asked. “I was nea
rly born in the middle of a manticore breeding pit. I know better than to try to make you stay home. But I also know myself, and I’m going to have to swallow a lot of ‘please, don’t die’ reactions. Honestly, though, you wouldn’t be you if you weren’t demanding to come with me into the field, and since I fell in love with you, I’d rather you didn’t change. That doesn’t mean I won’t twitch.”

  Shelby nodded, glare fading into open, earnest anxiousness. “I know we didn’t plan for this,” she said. “We’ve barely talked about it. I’m not even sure you want children.”

  “Sweetheart.” I took a step toward her, offering my hands. After a moment’s hesitation, she took them. I smiled. “I want children. I want children with you. I want this child, with you, more than I can possibly say, especially since I think I’m about to run out of words. Also, I want to tell my parents the second you’re comfortable with it, because otherwise, they’re going to find out from the mice.”

  “From the mice?” Shelby laughed. “How?”

  “The mice have email,” I said darkly.

  She stopped laughing. She kissed me instead, and that was about as perfect a conclusion to the day’s events as I could think of, so I kissed her back as the mice drummed in the distance, and everything was right with the world.

  Price Family Field Guide to the Cryptids of North America

  Updated and Expanded Edition

  Aeslin mice (Apodemus sapiens). Sapient, rodentlike cryptids which present as near-identical to non-cryptid field mice. Aeslin mice crave religion, and will attach themselves to “divine figures” selected virtually at random when a new colony is created. They possess perfect recall; each colony maintains a detailed oral history going back to its inception. Origins unknown.

  Basilisk (Procompsognathus basilisk). Venomous, feathered saurians approximately the size of a large chicken. This would be bad enough, but thanks to a quirk of evolution, the gaze of a basilisk causes petrification, turning living flesh to stone. Basilisks are not native to North America, but were imported as game animals. By idiots.

  Bogeyman (Vestiarium sapiens). The thing in your closet is probably a very pleasant individual who simply has issues with direct sunlight. Probably. Bogeymen are close relatives of the human race; they just happen to be almost purely nocturnal, with excellent night vision, and a fondness for enclosed spaces. They rarely grab the ankles of small children, unless it’s funny.

  Chupacabra (Chupacabra sapiens). True to folklore, chupacabra are blood-suckers, with stomachs that do not handle solids well. They are also therianthrope shapeshifters, capable of transforming themselves into human form, which explains why they have never been captured. When cornered, most chupacabra will assume their bipedal shape in self-defense. A surprising number of chupacabra are involved in ballroom dance.

  Dragon (Draconem sapiens). Dragons are essentially winged, fire-breathing dinosaurs the size of Greyhound buses. At least, the males are. The females are attractive humanoids who can blend seamlessly in a crowd of supermodels, and outnumber the males twenty to one. Females are capable of parthenogenic reproduction and can sustain their population for centuries without outside help. All dragons, male and female, require gold to live, and collect it constantly.

  Fūri (Homo therianthrope). Often proposed as the bridge between humans and therianthropes, the fūri is a monkey—specifically, a human—that takes on the attributes of another monkey—specifically, some form of spider monkey. Fūri transform instinctively, choosing their human forms for camouflage and their more simian forms for virtually everything else. A transformed fūri is faster, stronger, and sturdier than a human being. Offering bananas is not recommended.

  Ghoul (Herophilus sapiens). The ghoul is an obligate carnivore, incapable of digesting any but the simplest vegetable solids, and prefers humans because of their wide selection of dietary nutrients. Most ghouls are carrion eaters. Ghouls can be easily identified by their teeth, which will be shed and replaced repeatedly over the course of a lifetime.

  Gorgon, Pliny’s (Gorgos stheno). The Pliny’s gorgon is capable of gaze-based petrifaction only when both their human and serpent eyes are directed toward the same target. They are the most sexually dimorphic of the known gorgons, with the males being as much as four feet taller than the females. They are venomous, as are the snakes atop their heads, and their bites contain a strong petrifying agent. Do not vex.

  Hidebehind (Aphanes apokryphos). We don’t really know much about the hidebehinds: no one’s ever seen them. They’re excellent illusionists, and we think they’re bipeds, which means they’re probably mammals. Probably.

  Jackalope (Parcervus antelope). Essentially large jackrabbits with antelope antlers, the jackalope is a staple of the American West, and stuffed examples can be found in junk shops and kitschy restaurants all across the country. Most of the taxidermy is fake. Some, however, is not. The jackalope was once extremely common, and has been shot, stuffed, and harried to near-extinction. They’re relatively harmless, and they taste great.

  Jink (Tyche iynx). Luck manipulators and masters of disguise, these close relatives of the mara have been known to conceal themselves right under the nose of the Covenant. No small trick. Most jinks are extremely careful about the way they move and manipulate luck, and individuals have been known to sacrifice themselves for the good of the community.

  Johrlac (Johrlac psychidolos). Colloquially known as “cuckoos,” the Johrlac are telepathic ambush predators. They appear human, but are internally very different, being cold-blooded and possessing a decentralized circulatory system. This quirk of biology means they can be shot repeatedly in the chest without being killed. Extremely dangerous. All Johrlac are interested in mathematics, sometimes to the point of obsession. Origins unknown; possibly insect in nature.

  Jorōgumo (Nephilia sapiens). Originally native to Japan, these therianthropes belong to the larger family of cryptids classified as “yōkai.” Jorōgumo appear to be attractive women of Japanese descent until they transform, at which point they become massive spider-centaurs whose neurotoxic venom can kill in seconds. No males of the species have ever been seen. It is possible that the species possesses a degree of sexual dimorphism so great that male Jorōgumo are simply not recognized for what they are.

  Laidly worm (Draconem laidly). Very little is known about these close relatives of the dragons. They present similar but presumably not identical sexual dimorphism; no currently living males have been located.

  Lamia (Python lamia). Semi-hominid cryptids with the upper bodies of humans and the lower bodies of snakes. Lamia are members of order synapsedia, the mammal-like reptiles, and are considered responsible for many of the “great snake” sightings of legend. The sightings not attributed to actual great snakes, that is.

  Lesser gorgon (Gorgos euryale). One of three known subspecies of gorgon, the lesser gorgon’s gaze causes short-term paralysis followed by death in anything under five pounds. The bite of the snakes atop their heads will cause paralysis followed by death in anything smaller than an elephant if not treated with the appropriate antivenin. Lesser gorgons tend to be very polite, especially to people who like snakes.

  Lilu (Lilu sapiens). Due to the striking dissimilarity of their abilities, male and female Lilu are often treated as two individual species: incubi and succubi. Incubi are empathic; succubi are persuasive telepaths. Both exude strong pheromones inspiring feelings of attraction and lust in the opposite sex. This can be a problem for incubi like our cousin Artie, who mostly wants to be left alone, or succubi like our cousin Elsie, who gets very tired of men hitting on her while she’s trying to flirt with their girlfriends.

  Madhura (Homo madhurata). Humanoid cryptids with an affinity for sugar in all forms. Vegetarian. Their presence slows the decay of organic matter, and is usually viewed as lucky by everyone except the local dentist. Madhura are very family-oriented, and are rarely found living on their own. Originally from the Indian su
bcontinent.

  Manananggal (Tanggal geminus). If the manananggal is proof of anything, it is that Nature abhors a logical classification system. We’re reasonably sure the manananggal are mammals; everything else is anyone’s guess. They’re hermaphroditic and capable of splitting their upper and lower bodies, although they are a single entity, and killing the lower half kills the upper half as well. They prefer fetal tissue, or the flesh of newborn infants. They are also venomous, as we have recently discovered. Do not engage if you can help it.

  Oread (Nymphae silica). Humanoid cryptids with the approximate skin density of granite. Their actual biological composition is unknown, as no one has ever been able to successfully dissect one. Oreads are extremely strong, and can be dangerous when angered. They seem to have evolved independently across the globe; their common name is from the Greek.

  Sasquatch (Gigantopithecus sesquac). These massive native denizens of North America have learned to embrace depilatories and mail-order shoe catalogs. A surprising number make their living as Bigfoot hunters (Bigfeet and Sasquatches are close relatives, and enjoy tormenting each other). They are predominantly vegetarian, and enjoy Canadian television.

  Tanuki (Nyctereutes sapiens). Therianthrope shapeshifters from Japan, the Tanuki are critically endangered due to the efforts of the Covenant. Despite this, they remain friendly, helpful people, with a naturally gregarious nature which makes it virtually impossible for them to avoid human settlements. Tanuki possess three primary forms—human, raccoon dog, and big-ass scary monster. Pray you never see the third form of the Tanuki.

  Ukupani (Ukupani sapiens). Aquatic therianthropes native to the warm waters of the Pacific Islands, the Ukupani were believed for centuries to be an all-male species, until Thomas Price sat down with several local fishermen and determined that the abnormally large Great White sharks that were often found near Ukupani males were, in actuality, Ukupani females. Female Ukupani can’t shapeshift, but can eat people. Happily. They are as intelligent as their shapeshifting mates, because smart sharks are exactly what the ocean needed.